Resolutions? Remember them? Did you make any at the start of the year? Have you managed to achieve any, or have they already become distant memory?
Be honest, how many of you actually get to the end of the year having achieved any? One? Two? I stupidly make resolutions every year and never, or rarely, actually do any. I’m loathe to make them but I still do; blame peer-pressure.
Now that we’re more than halfway through the year now I thought I’d assess and share a few I’d made in January, to tickle your fancy, or horrify you. I won’t say how many I’ve done, you can guess for yourself. Here goes, and don’t judge me, I’m just being honest.
To try a ‘Dicktator’ sex machine. Yes, really, there’s really one called that which I know sounds mad, and that I actually know this!
To try a ‘Slave-Driver’ sex machine. OMG! Not another sex machine! Weird, isn’t it, and like the Dicktator, I didn’t make it up, it’s actually a real thing.
To try a sex bench. I know, I’ve totally lost the plot. There’s a trend here, isn’t there.
To have more sex! Yawn, sex, sex, sex, do I have no other ambitions? Well, yes, but before that what about another on this theme, to have sex in the woods. Sounds like a cocktail, might even be one already- I’ll have ‘sex in the woods’ and a bag of crisps, please. Don’t ask me where this idea came from. I never have done, by the way; not yet, that is.
Back to earth now, a couple of sensible ones. I also want to learn how to make sourdough bread, and rye bread, or just make bread. Even during the lockdowns I didn’t get around to it so I made it a resolution, which of course probably means I won’t. I do so love the smell of baking bread though.
I’d like to have a proper exhibition of my photography at a proper gallery, not my selfie-photography, the ones I take of other things. Let’s have one more, to pass my next level as a nursing assistant to add to my CV.
Ok, that’s enough level-headed stuff, another outrageous one, to take at least one nude selfie a week. How about, to be in a porn video? What?! Where did that come from! Maybe I’m just checking you’re still paying attention. OK, one last one, how about a striptease, an actual striptease, probably in some kind of strip club, or private party, just the once. A classy one though, not trashy, I do have standards, you know.
I’ve probably shamed myself enough now so I think I better stop while I still have a shred of dignity, modesty, reputation, whatever, left. I’m actually quite shy really.