lilac lust

I’m drawn again
drawn again to the window
where I’ve been before, that time also inextricably so, like a magnet, a temptation beyond denial.

     There are times I think nothing of these transparent walls other than the space between me and an outside world, inside which little change but beyond lies a fluid excitement always and ever-changing.  But not this time, standing at the back of this room, this bedroom, this bedroom not my own.  I’ve come to visit a friend and staying the weekend and while she was out at work I went shopping and café-hopping and find myself back now safely enmeshed in its walls and glass on the third floor of their wharf apartment.

Unlike my home the windows here are floor to ceiling and back again, wall of see-through frames of lives beyond down in the street, on the water where the boats loll gently to the caressing of waves and those in the apartments opposite.  Each and every one of us involved in our own purposes and intents busy with whatever and whoever, dozens and more worlds almost but not quite colliding in mid-air between the lenses that make up the walls of glass and tint.

I’m drawn again, from the back of the bedroom to stand on the edge, the precipice of the drop below, feeling brave but not really as the solid pane keeps me safe, not just from the elements but from falling and falling, though from a fall from grace, who knows.

Here I stand still inches from the glass still wearing the dress I’d been out in having kicked off my boots when I first got back as she didn’t like shoes worn in the apartment.  Quite rightly too, as the bare wood under-heated floors invite equally bare feet to enjoy its invitation.  Just as the windows invited me over, I look down at the street, people back and forth as I was less than an hour ago.  I raise my eyes and scan the opposite buildings, apartments, some empty, some showing signs of movement and shadows and sometimes someone plain as day, clearly seen through their frames as I must be to them as I stand here.

Enticed by the warmth from the floor I am tempted to remove my thin, woollen black tights as the outside world is autumn in here is hints of summer.  I turned to go back to the bed away from the window to do so then something stopped me.  I turned back to the window and looking out almost mesmerised slipped my hands up my apricot print, wrap-around tea dress until my thumbs found the waist and pulled them down over my legs.  Down my thighs, past my knees until I was easing them from each foot as delicately and as balanced as I could though still using one hand to steady against the window.

I felt the waves of warmth riding up my now bare legs from the soles of my feet and was soon reaching my thighs and hips still secret beneath my dress.  I closed my eyes and swayed standing where I was perched high above the anonymous street life below: mine was now a life in the clouds compared to them, they don’t even know I’m here.  Once again I found myself glancing along the rows of apartment windows opposite, it was tea time now, coming on 6pm and being late autumn the day was already showing signs of weariness and fading light.

I realised my light was on but that was fine, I’m here in this room safe enclosed and beyond reach.  This time was mine, a quiet time where I was drawn to the window and here I still stood drinking the warmth and a growing sense of wanting to disrobe more.

I found my hands while my eyes were still closed again feeling for the fabric belt to untie and let fall to the floor and just as easily unhooking the two simply clips that held my wrap-around apricot dress to my hips.  Facing the window I stopped myself wondering what I was doing, again.  As I said I had been here before, not in this room but doing this in front of a window and I said last time it was foolish and maybe I wouldn’t do it again.

     Maybe.

     I’m doing it again.  My dress loosened with no belt not tiny hooks to hold it against me and only my hands preventing it coming away completely.  I opened my eyes and saw more clearly the insides of other apartments as the light began to disperse, as I realised any who looked my way would clearly see me, inches from the window, on the edge of not just the building but on undressing.

     Should I? Would I? Could I do it again?

My nerves were quietly soundlessly jangling, fingers were shaking still holding my wrap-around dress until they made me pull it away, opening it up and letting it fall to the sides displaying glimpses of the me underneath, wearing just lingerie.  It hung limp now off my shoulders as I stood there staring moving ever so slightly as though stirred by a small breeze.  I loved the feelings it sent through me, the signals it showered me with. I stretched my arms to the ceiling knowing this made my dress come away a little more exposing new inches of my skin and my underwear, and my body kept swaying to invisible touches, the window just seemed to encourage me further and I glanced at one shoulder to ease my dress away from it.  My bra strap of my lilac plunge bra rested playfully as the dress slipped down one arm enough to now expose one cup of my bra entirely.

     I have come this far………

     I wanted to go further……. I did.

Tracing my finger along from my strap down to my cup and along the edge where my breast sat well-concealed over the invisible piping and across the lace swirls to my cleavage I was feeling sensations swirling inside me. I ran my whole hand over my own breast and gave myself a gentle squeeze, surprised at how something so everyday for me right now gave me a rush of excitement.

     I wanted to go further…. I did.

     from the one shoulder as I stood now exposing my whole left side, my bra, my lilac-lace trim mini bikini briefs also partly now in view to the outside world.  But what would it matter, no one could see anyway.

I raise my eyes looking out and focused on the building opposite, again seeing people milling in their own little worlds but then noticed, one, no two, maybe three, yes three people doing what I think was looking towards me, this window, this apartment, me. I carefully avoided their direct gaze and maybe I should’ve stop, but I didn’t, I wanted to go further….

     I did.

I turned around and felt my breasts held secure by my bra and felt the now loose material of my dress teasing my hips and thigh as if to say, let me go, you know you want too.  I turned back to face out of the window and laid my hand on my tummy feeling my breathing, then ran both hands down my hips and thighs over my knickers.  The feeling was arousing, enlivening, again encouraging.  I glimpsed again their eyes.  yes I’m sure they are looking at me but then was shocked into almost pulling closed the curtains when I noticed one was holding binoculars. Yes, the buildings were close enough for me to make that out, just a narrow street-width apart.  But I didn’t.

     I wanted to go further, I had come this far…..

completely to the floor leaving me standing in lilac lingerie, my lilac lust growing with every second that gnawed at the time.

     What was compelling me, I didn’t know. Me? Myself?

I stretched up to the ceiling again feeling taller than my mere 5’3 inches enjoying this sense of distant exposure. They could touch me but only with their eyes.  I let them, I had come this far.  I swayed my hips and my arms feeling sinuous, sensual, very alive and vital.   I imagined how a pole or chair dancer might do it, might entice an air of desire from their own body, from thin air, here on the third floor now in full view of the building opposite in the much less light now as dark seeped into all the cracks and crevices making the lights form the windows including mine seem all the more stark and voyeuristic. I turned round as I swayed to inaudible music and ran my hands down my sides and over my hips tightly then peeling them up again to meet on my tummy all the while being watched.

I glanced at the far away eyes looking back and thought I saw one notice and mouth something.  A second glance told me perhaps that mouth was saying “more, more”.

I wanted hands to come and continue what I started, to make me do more, more, but was also loving the distance this glass afforded me.  Watch but don’t touch.  I turned around with my back to the window and reached around to unhook my lilac plunge bra, one hook then two, simple as that.  It came away and I turned back to the window holding it in place….. I had come this far.

Something was making me not stop and I eased one half of my bra away to let my left breast free, it and my now erect nipple and brown aureole exposed to the watchers who I knew were still there.  My breast lay there against my chest as I caressed gently beneath lifting its small size feeling a thrill indescribable at my public exhibitionism so blatant as the night and their eyes fell upon me. I felt an urgency, and urge, overwhelming and let it overwhelm me and easily let the other side of my bra fall away discarding it too on the floor with my apricot dress leaving me stood topless in front of the window in just my lilac-lace knickers.    I felt a power come over me and ran both my hands across my breasts caressing them and feeling them unnaturally aroused by my own singular touch.   My hips set a rhythm the rest of my followed and for a moment unconscious slipped my hand between my hands only to rush it back again to my breast.

Let them see, I want them to see, I was them to have me, such a desire is unravelling me to them, letting them in, inside, into me. I want them to touch, to take.

The ceiling to floor window hid nothing, all of me for all of them watching.  My bare legs, tummy, waist, breasts, nipples, shoulders, all by my thighs.

     I want to go further.

     I need to go further.

     Let them see me, let them have me, let them take me.

My body ached now with a stifled lust as I found my fingers slipping into the lilac-lace waist band of my briefs, teasing them open, sliding under and around.  No, I shouldn’t, this is too far, too much, I had to stop now.  I had too.  A voice in my head told me I didn’t.  I didn’t want to, I didn’t have too, I had no choice I had come this far.  I saw in my mind’s eye the man across mouthing “more, more”.

Do it, the voice in me said, do it, you want to go further, you to and they want you too.

My fingers were playing with the lilac lace and cotton teasing them down an inch, feeling them creasing revealing more of my skin below my tummy-button.  I turned side on to the window and eased them further showing all of my hip and my thigh now, though little was left to expose, and now with my back to the glass I pulled them down half way over my buttocks as the voice inside me got louder, insistent, do it, do it. Now facing the window again and edged them down over my buttocks completely leaning forwards and stood like that turning once again with my back on show running my hands over my breasts.  I didn’t know what I was doing and wondered for a moment if it all looked just a little clumsy, my striptease, as that’s what it was as I well knew now.

Do it, the voice in my head again, do it, you have too, you want too, you need too, let them have you.

I looked down at my barely-covering lilac knickers and slowly eased them down further until they came away from my hips entirely and I wiggled them down to the floor leaving me stood there naked and bare exposed to their glances and reaching for the ceiling again and swaying, this time my naked hips on full show.  Just a thin, fine line of hair along the mound to my sex on show to all who were watching. I did it, I let them have me, gave myself to them, their encouraging eyes. I felt a freedom in my nakedness behind this glass, swaying, my hips and thighs feeling warm and aroused and my nipples enjoying the air.  It felt joyous, arousing, thrilling, even enchanting, I did it and let them have me as I slow-danced myself barely self-conscious for a few moments.

Now what’s next?  I did it, I let them see me, now do I let them touch me?

© Emmaleela